Big Brother FMA edition
by Sakura-Revolution
Summary: I was bored... this is what happens when it hits me... review if you can think of some house challanges, and vote off people... NEW UPDATE: Third day up
1. Chapter 1

Twenty-five people, one house, no phones. The prize, one bonafide Philosopher's stone (or a day at the spa, whatever...) Awarded to one... the last one standing.

Corney theme music starts.

Mimi The Announcer: "Here's our cast... Edward Elric"  
Ed- "Hi"  
MTA: "Alphonse Elric"  
Al- "Oni-sama"  
MTA: "Hoenheim Elric"  
Ho- "Pinako... this isn't my house"  
MTA: Pinako Rockbell"  
Pinako- "Nope... it ain't"  
MTA: "Winry Rockbell"  
Winry- "Ed time for a tune up"  
Ed starts running  
MTA: "The sins... Envy"  
Envy- "Yippie!" (1)  
MTA: "Lust"  
Lust- "Wipe your mouth"  
MTA: "Gluttony"  
Gluttony- "Can i eat it"  
MTA: "Wrath"  
Wrath- "Mam"  
MTA: "Sloth"  
Sloth- "Mmm-hmm"  
MTA: "Pride"  
Pride- "  
MTA: "and Greed"  
Greed- "Hi I'm Greed... Everything belongs to me"  
MTA: "And the Crimson Alchemist"  
Kimblee: "My name's Zolof"  
MTA: "Zoloft"  
Kimblee: "ZOLOF"  
MTA: "Weird... And the three Chimera, Martel"  
Martel: "Leave me alone"  
MTA: "Law"  
Law: "What she said"  
MTA: "Dorchette"  
Dorchette: "Kibbles and bits, Kibbles and bits, Kibbles and bits"  
MTA: "Roy Mustang"  
Roy- "Oh Ed... I didn't see you behidn all that paperwork"  
there is a growl from behind him, and roy disappears from the frame, followed by a dust cloud  
MTA: "... ;; Umm... Maes Hughes"  
Hughes: "Wanna see my pictures"  
Cast: "NO! wait isn't he dead"  
MTA: "Not anymore... because he's just awesome like that. And his wife, Glacia, and daughter Elicia"  
Glacia: "Don't be bother dear"  
Elicia: "Daddy"  
MTA: "The Ishballian Scar"  
Scar: "In the name of our merciful Go..." he's cut off  
MTA: "Riza Hawkeye"  
Riza: "Not everyone wants your body"  
Roy: ;  
MTA: "Kain Fury"  
Fury: "Oh! Hello"  
MTA: "Jean havoc"  
Havoc: "Mmm... I like dogs"  
MTA: "Frank Archer"  
Archer: smirk  
MTA: "and our last houseguest, Alex Louis Armstrong"  
Armstrong: flex sparklesparkle

A/N: The next chappie is comming, but after that, you gotta review to get more, because you gotta vote folks off!

Ja!

(1) If you'd read much of the manga, you know what this came from... 


	2. The first day and Kimblee v Toaster

Day One in the house-

As everyone moved in, There were the first fights... Mostly Envy and Greed fighting over having to sleep in the same room.

"What's the problem here... Its separate beds..." Winry said, obviously confused. The others moving in just ignored the fight, which had started to have furniture thrown.

"Oh, leave them be, they'll either stop or kill each other." Kimblee said, poking around, wondering if couches made bombs. He decided he should find out, just as soon as humanly possible, but now he needed to pee.

This was when it was discovered there was only one bathroom...

"This is gonna be hell..." Ed predicted, as he and the rest of the house observed Roy shitting.

Later that day, Glacia and Elicia were in the kitchen, baking cookies, with Hughes happily snapping picture after picture, when Kimblee came in, and put some bread in the toaster. Glacia looked up briefly, and wondered if he knew the toaster was not plugged in... But figured he must, after all, only an idiot wouldn't...

Kimblee apparently was either and idiot, or did not deal with plugs, because soon he was cursing under his breath, and waiting, impatiently. Glacia, deciding this was funny, didn't say anything, and went back to rolling out dough. But soon, with a flash, and a loud report, the toaster was gone, and Kimblee grinned, picking up the piece of finished toast.

"Mmm... Warm toast"  
Glacia looked, and blinked.  
"Mommy... Toaster go BOOM!"

Envy was bored. Envy bored, is not a pretty sight. He decided that there was no way he was staying bored in a place as big as this... So he went in search of something to do. What he found, was not excatly what he would have liked... It turned out this place had a sewing room. He stood there for several minutes... then, inexplicably, decided he wanted to sew something.

He picked up the white cloth and started cutting, humming merrily.

Hawyeye carefully unpacked her things, two spare uniforms, two sets of civillian clothes, and all seven firearms.

And Black Hayate.

The black and white puppy sniffed around, exploring the girl's bedroom. Winry looked down, as she was unfastening the locks on the large dog kennel that earlier four techs had struggled to bring in.

"You have a dog too?" Winry inquired. Hawkeyes grinned, and scooped up her little pride and joy.

"Yep, Black Hayate." Winry happily let Den out. The puppy jumped down to meet the older dog.

The two dogs looked at one another curiously. There was sniffing, and soon the flopped down beside one annother and got comfortable.

"Guess they're friends now..." Hawkeye observed.

"Yeah." Winry agreed. The stood in thoughtful silence.

"Guess we shoudl be too." Winry suddenly said.

"Sounds logical." Hawkeye said grinning.

And so, the two scariest females in Edward Elric's life joined forces.

Hohenheim had found the remote.

He stared at it for a long time, wondering what it was, then ran to get a notebook to record his information on this new and interesting development.

The object is rectangular and black. It has raised rubber dealies(A/N: so scientific... ; ) and they seem to be basicly harmless.

He curiously ran his fingers over the "rubber dealies" and the big screen TV clicked to life, right in the middle of a Brittish showing of "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone."

It was near the end, where Harry holds up the stone.

Hohenheim ran at it to get it... and baged his face into the TV.

Lust walking by peed herself laughing.

And so was the first day.

A/N: No voting anyone off yet...

the first house challenge will be next chappie...

Because of a friend, the first challenge has been chosen... If you can think of more challenges, review and give them.

If you cannot think of any, review anyways, me likes reviews and continues stories that get lots of reviews... hinthint 


	3. Second Day, and First cahallange

Day Two-

It was time for the very first challenge, and Mimi walked in with a sly grin.

"Everyone ready?" She asked. Everyone was bright and happy... except Hoenhime, who was rubbing a huge ass bruise on his face, which Lust was still laughing about. Envy was holding a half done shell of a rag doll, in white cloth, and Kimblee had toast, which no one could figure out where he got, seeing as he blew up the toaster the day before. Hughes had a brand new digital camera, and was focusing on Elicia, who was picking her nose. Roy yawned, and scratched his privates, and Al was blushing, despite being inside a suit of armor.

"Now, the first challenge is to cook a meal without the use of Alchemy, you will be parted into three groups." Mimi pulled out of her pocket a scrap of paper. "The teams are;" Everyone froze, one thought on their minds, would they be stuck with Kimblee?

"Team one, Edward," Ed gave a wary smile. "Pinako, Hawkeye," Pinako gave Hawkeye a kind smile, and Hawkeye smiled back. "Envy and Greed," Envy growled and Greed made an obscene signal with one hand. "Pride," The fuehrer waved a hand idly. "Hughes, Law, and Archer." These three men looked each other over, and Law growled, holding more firmly to his hammer.

"Team two!" Mimi continued, "Alphonse, Winry" Al hugged Winry carefully, and they walked to stand beside the range labeled "TWO" "Havoc, Lust," Winry looked over, and was pleased to see a second woman on the team. "Wrath and Kimblee." Lust grimaced, as Kimblee, with his same half smile walked over, hand in his pockets, followed by Wrath, who was sucking on half a candy bar. "Glacia and Elicia Hughes, and Dorchette." Elicia waved happily at her father, as she and her mother went over to the range. Maes took a picture.

"Lastly, Team Three!" Mimi said.

"But we know who we are..." Roy said, scratching the back of his neck.

"Yes, But I must announce you anyways." Mimi said sweetly.

"Okay, Hoemhime, Roy, Fury, Gluttony, Sloth, Scar, Martel, and Armstrong" Mimi said quickly, and the team moved over to the last stove.

"Okay guys!" Mimi crowed, "Ready, Steady, GO!"

Immediately Team two was off, Kimblee grabbing a bowl of flour and putting handfuls into a mixing bowl, with milk, yeast and baking powder. The mix started to foam lightly as he stirred. Glacia looked over his shoulder for a moment.

"Pastry?" She asked, Kimblee nodded absently and handed her a pan.

"Meat rolls." he said, and she started to cut the slab of beef she found in the fridge into tiny pieces, dropping them into the pan, while she scanned the shelves for some sort of broth. The other team members stood by, watching.

"What... should we do?" Dorchette asked. "Oh, and Kimblee, where the hell'd you learn to cook?" He asked. Lust picked up a can of beef brother and handed it to Elicia, who had been hopping, trying to reach it.

"Start getting a baking pan greased..." Kimblee instructed. "And I don't cook, but I know a few recipes."

Dorchette started to grease the pan, and Lust used a fingernail to poke two holes in the brother, and then handed it to Elicia, who climbed onto a chair to pour it into the pan her mother was stirring.

Alphonse stood by for awhile, until he noticed another baking sheet, he started to rub butter onto it from a wrapped stick, and Winry started to cut lettuce and carrots for a salad. Meanwhile, Wrath was happily hanging off of Havoc's arm, the solder just sighed and pulled his arm in, lifting the kid off the ground.

Team One were not yet working, as Edward seemed more interested in bickering with Envy, and Greed was busy staring at the way Kimblee's back moved when he stirred the mix. Archer stood for a moment, looking at a scar on the back of his hand, and then sighed.

"Miss Pinako, what do YOU think we should make." he asked politely. She nodded.

"Stew... it'll get Edward to stop his bickering with the young palm tree there." Archer blinked, and then looked at Envy.

"Damn... he does look like a palm tree, doesn't he?" Archer said, and Hawkeye nodded.

"Like a palm tree in a skort." She said nodding as if she had said something meaningful and deep.

And it was about then that Envy grabbed a butcher knife, and Ed grabbed the first weapon he found... a turkey baster.

Envy nearly died laughing.

Team three was discovering just how mad one Homunculus with a grudge can be.

"Damn you, you cheating son of a whore and a taper!" Sloth yelled. Hoemhime took a step back.

"Trish..." He tried, and she threw the frying pan.

"Don't you call me that?" Sloth yelled angrily. She picked up the rolling pin and started to aim. Hoenhime ducked, then stood again.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to..." He stopped as Sloth suddenly was holding him against the wall.

"Didn't mean to WHAT?" She demanded. Gluttony shuffled over, and stuck his finger in his mouth as he stared at Hoemhime. "Didn't mean to leave me to DIE!" She was livid, and a slow puddle was forming around her. "Didn't mean to leave just enough informat6ion for our CHILDREN to attempt forbidden alchemy?" She threw him hard against the floor, shaking the room. Kimblee flipped her off, as he maneuvered his bowl under the spray of batter the shaking had sent into the air. "Didn't mean to completely break my heart? Tell me you ass, what is it you didn't mean to do?" She dropped him scornfully.

Gluttony looked from him, to Sloth, and back.

"Can I eat him?" He asked, after taking his finger out of his mouth. Sloth considered.

"Later."

Team Two was in the lead, but team one was just behind them, team three being busy watching the fight between Homunculus and faithless lover. Kimblee had moved to lean one knee against a kitchen chair to relieve some pressure off his standing leg. Wrath looked at him for a long time, and then gave a big grin. Envy, spying this look, looked at his team.

"Let's go... If we work fast, we'll beat Kimblee's team, Wrath is about to get annoying." Envy said, grabbing the knife and starting to cube vegetables to go into the stew. Pinako blinked.

"What does that have to do with anything?" She asked. Greed had already grabbed the milk and was pouring some into the broth, when he looked up with a grin.

"Kimmie doesn't get along with children, now let's do this, we can still win." Greed tossed a splash of milk into the pot and started tossing in Envy's veggies. "Dollars to doughnuts, Kimmie's going to go off and try to blow something up... and that's alchemy, so they'll be disqualified."

Lust, however, had also noticed this, and made a grab to pick up Wrath before he did what ever it was he was about to do. But fortune was not with team two, and Kimblee looked down just as Wrath lit the four matches he had wedged under Kimblee's supporting knee.

The next few moments were a blur to all involved, but the chair went boom. Wrath started laughing manalicly, and Mimi rushed in.

"Team Two disqualified, on account of illegal Alchemy!" She yelled, and there was much yelling, a lot of it coming from an angry Lust, and a screaming Kimblee, who was hopping and holding his knee.

Team Three had finally started, after tying Hoenhime securely with turkey twine to a gas main.

Armstrong, in a dubious use of his brass knuckles, was squashing potatoes right and left, as Scar eyed the oven left vacant by team two.

"Miss Mimi?" he asked politely. "May we have those rolls, since team two won't be needing them?" Mimi thought about it, and then shrugged.

"Yeah, sure." Scar grinned, as Kimblee started cursing again.

"Damnit! Not only did we lose... but I HELPED that damn Ishballian whelp!" He fumed, and then sat, crossing his arms sullenly. Lust patted him on top of the head, awkwardly.

It was close, but soon the competition came down to watching a pot, and Scar's frantic pacing outside of his teams oven. As Scar's timer went off, Pinako yelled, and it was a tie.

"Umm... who won?" Ed asked, a little worried. Mimi shrugged.

"Team three, because nothing is more fun than pissing off a short person." She said simply. There was much screaming.

Okay, time for our first vote! On day five, we will learn the (un)lucky winner for the vote to go home!

You may choose from...

Ed- "I don't want to leave... I want to get my hands on that damn Mimi"  
Pinako "Ahem"  
Hawkeye "Vote me off, and I shoot you"  
Envy is too busy dancing to Bette Midler's 'I'm beautiful damnit' to talk  
Greed "Aww, come on, you really want to vote me off before I cause some mayhem"  
Pride wink  
Hughes is too busy trying to tape Elicia's speech to talk  
Law "Hmph"  
Archer smirk  
Al "Please don't send me away"  
Winry "Boys are dumb, throw wrenches at them"  
Havoc "Oh, umm... please don't." (Is sarcastic)  
Lust "Ahem... I have just begun to seduce"  
Wrath "Wow! A camera... Let's PLAY"  
Kimblee "You can't vote me off, I'm your best chance at hot guy guy sex"  
Glacia and Elicia "Hello!" (Together)  
Dorchette scratchscratch  
Mimi (we'll just get a new announcer) 


	4. Third Day, they await the voting

Day Three-

Greed had been having a hard time finding anything to do. First for all, Kimblee was still depressed over the loss of the cooking challenge, and on edge since he was on the line, so he wasn't at all up for any fun, be it beating up on things, getting drunk, or for that matter anything else Greed's, ahem, mind could come up with. So he went, looking for something to do, and of course, being the good writer I am, I can't leave him to be bored… So he discovered the Playstation 2.

Soon he was engrossed in playing "Full Metal Alchemist, The Broken Angel." In fact, so engrossed, that he didn't even notice the crowd of fellow house guests gathering around him. Envy swung his legs over the arm of the couch and perched, watching as Greed attempted to kill train highjackers with stone spikes.

"You really suck at that." He said nonchalantly, and Greed glared at him. In the time it took for his to do so, he was hit twice. Ed, watching, shrugged.

"Izumi's better at stone spikes that Al or I am…" He admitted, and Wrath, who was hanging off Law's neck, looked confused.

"Shouldn't she be here too?" Wrath asked. Envy shook his head.

"Nope… she'd kill everyone here…" Al said. "She's still steamed over Ed being in the military… and she HATES you, Greed." Greed nodded absently as he finally got to the end of the train, and slipped back down into the cars. Alphonse came running out on the screen, yelling for him. Greed blinked.

"Hmm… oh! More tutorial!" he said, and was informed of how to control Al. "Wow… this takes free will to an all time low." He sent Al on a tackle, and was rewarded with a yell of 'listen to me!' Greed started cackling. "Oh Fiend (1), that's Al alright."

Alphonse pouted, somehow, and walked off, clanking.

Al walked outside and wondered if this was really worth it… true he would be getting a philosopher's stone without any sacrifice of human life (sort of…) but he also had to live in a house with Envy and Kimblee, who he still couldn't believe hadn't blown up more than just a toaster and a chair… Did this mean Kimblee had restraint?

An explosion and rush of maniacal laughter from the other room answered that, and Al groaned.

He was about to go out and see what Kimblee had blown up when he noticed a kitten sleeping outside. Instantly the "Al-Kitty-Saving-Sense" kicked on, and he went running, breaking both the window and the wall… and sending him falling several stories. Nevertheless he jumped up and ran for the kitten, scooping it up and popping it inside him. Then he slowly looked around and made sure Ed didn't see. Then he got heart eyes and went off skipping.

The kitten continued to sleep.

Archer had been more or less behaving, but as anyone who knows Archer's basic personality knew… sooner or later he would be pistol whipping and working on getting Kimblee to blow up something HE told him to. Other than the couch of course. (Now you know what Kimmie blew up.) He was just about to load one of his many guns (some of which he had swiped from Hawkeye… probably not a great idea, huh?) when he heard the mewing from The bed behind him and turned around to see Alphonse sitting innocently on the bed, beside a large, Alphonse shaped hole in the wall, which was leaking cold air.

Archer blinked.

"You don't have a cat do you?" He asked slowly. Al looked innocent, and shook his head no, as his belly gave a purr. "Then why is your stomach…" he started and Al gave a shrug.

"Don't know. Maybe I'm hungry."

Archer nodded slowly.

"Well… I'm allergic to cats." he admitted, then went back to cleaning the gun. Outside, Kimblee grinned and went off to procure lots of cats.

Ed slowly approached the bathroom, carrying his robe and shampoo. Easy did it… no need to rush, no one else was around and he would finally get his shower. He moved, and nearly had the door open, when a blur went by and Havoc went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Ed swore, and walked off, growling about filling Havoc's cigarettes with some sort of explosive substance.

"Yeah!" Winry and Sloth said, clapping as Armstrong held the charred remains of the couch over his head and flexed his other arm, there was much sparklies. A group of other solders stood around lightly scoffing. Pride was wondering just what it was that Armstrong had that made Sloth so admiring.

And Kimblee… well, he was getting cats.

"Wow!" They said as he picked up the TV with the other arm, and flexed both above his head. Wrath ate a sparklie. It tasted like sweat, and he spat it back out. Envy laughed and picked one up, throwing it to whack poor Ed, who was still holding his bath artifacts and glaring. Envy sighed, and in an inexplicable show of affection, went over and ran Havoc out of the bathroom for Ed, then went back to watching the behemoth

Ed was elated, and ran for the bathroom, but just as he got there, Fury ran in front of him and into the open door. Ed threw a fit, and Envy laughed. Finally he understood why you help people…. So you can laugh at their pain and discomfort later.

Martel was not in a good mood, as if her life wasn't hard enough, what with following Greed around admiringly, and then getting over the fact that Law and Dorchette became Scooby snacks for some REALLY big man eating monster man. Now she was stuck in a house with, not only Kimblee who she vowed to kill for betraying Greed, but the monster man, and everyone else she didn't get along with. On the other hand…

She looked over at Law and started blushing uncontrollably. Things could be worse; at least they were back, through some strange miracle. And true, Kimblee was much easier to deal with when he was busy plotting chaos against other people Martel didn't like. In fact, with the flour in his hair, and the smudge of soot, he was ALMOST cute enough to give up killing. Martel sighed, and yawned, making a hissing noise as she did.

She walked over to the window, and was rewarded by the sight of Elicia swinging on a tire swing, made from a tire that really shouldn't have been around, seeing as there were no cars in the immediate vicinity. She leaned up against the window sill and frowned a little as she watched Maes happily pushing his little princess, and Elicia was squealing in laughter. Martel turned away and sighed. She was too old to start having all these maternal urges now.

She decided to go get drunk.

Pinako Rockbell was worried. Winry seemed happy enough here, true, but really, this was no place for a budding young lady… As if to confirm the old woman's thoughts, Roy went running past buck naked, yelling about his heat seeking missile. Pinako's poor eyes widened, and she shrieked. Roy didn't notice, and soon was off jumping and whooping.

Pinako began to think again, and, when she was thinking, she cooked. So she went into the kitchen and started taking out various items from the cupboards, mixing this and that until she was mixing up something chocolaty and good smelling. No one seemed to notice her yet, and she took out a cookie sheet and a spoon. She was putting the first batch of cookies in the oven when Ed came running in and relieved himself in the sink. So far, this was the second time the poor old woman had seen someone's winker. And, like a good grandmother, the whacked Ed's with a spatchula. He went off, whimpering and cursing, to the laughter of both Lust and Envy, who were having a pretty good day, all in all.

She was taking that batch out of the oven when the entire house seemed to notice the cookie smell and filed in. Wrath was still hanging off Law's neck, unknown to the behemoth of a chimera. Wrath put on his very best sparkly eyed, pouting face, and walked in front of Pinako, who patted his head and gave him a cookie. He ran off happily munching.

Next to come in was Kimblee, who had a cat under each arm, and two riding his ponytail. He smiled, and Pinako popped a cookie in his mouth, defying gravity. (Tiny Pinako… Tall Kimmie….)

Of course, when Greed saw people were getting cookies, he ran in. He made one of his hands the shield and happily snatched a hot one off the sheet.

Envy saw Greed with the cookie, and wanted one desperately, she he tried the shiny eyed look, and was rewarded greatly, with two cookies. He waved them in Greed's face, and Greed chomped a bite out of one of them.

Pinako sighed and put in the next batch. Kimblee walked out again with the cats, Greed got comfortable at the massive kitchen table, and Envy ran away, clutching his cookies. Soon Ed was in, now in a cup for good measure.

She gave him the last of the first batch and frowned. She still had no idea what to do about Winry's lady hood. (Meaning her manners, don't EVEN get nasty.)

She needed to bake some more.

(1) Well… he couldn't exactly say "Oh God" now could he? 


End file.
